Regret While In Motion

A short bit of time has come my way, I can jot this down, not in a precise way, more for me to come back to, but to share as well, because why not. I think we often look back at our lives with what-if’s, how-come’s. You read the things dying people most regret and it’s usually “why didn’t I say what I wanted to say” or “Why didn’t I just jump in the water and not worry about my weight”………..lots of things but for some reason, at least for me, I know these things to be true and obvious and important but I still won’t do them. I mean, if you know you’re going the wrong direction just slowing down isn’t nearly as effective as totally turning around. Anyhow, I kinda of look at where I’m going and believe I need to just turn around. I’m aware of what my last regrets will be, I know what I most need to do, yet, here, I, am, stifled, in, slow, motion, not, doing, what, I, know, I need, to do. It’s frustrating because the stream of what has happened is a mixture of my fault, with an extra heaping of my blindness and yet more my fault. The inability to deal with another’s drinking, with the same person’s lingering unemployment and here I am, mostly shell shocked knowing full well I’m enabling, because what isn’t left for me to do but enable, just cleaning the dishes is enabling at this point since literally nothing is happening unless I do it. I’m aprisoner of indecision. I get what the replies will be, snap out of it, just do it. Practice the serenity prayer……I know the solutions, and so, today, at this instant, this at least feels like progress. I mean, if I needed light and didn’t even know matches existed that would be problem, I just need the courage to strike the match and take an honest, full look around. It’s kinda refreshing, in a slow motion way, to know I’ve figured out what I’ll need to do. For better or worse, I’m guilty of slowing down not turning around.