Oh, happy birthday. Happy Birthday!

I am having a time of it. This single parent, only child/daughter transition in to college and this year is the first one without seeing my daughter on her birthday, it was also the first Valentine’s Day, and this is okay, (society shouts) because you did a good job, you raised her to be independent and capable and I agree. So like most things the question then is a conundrum, why can something good feel so bad. This is momentary and not true. I mean it’s true. I mean, this is exactly what I’m talking about, it is confusing and covers emotions from here to there and back again. The surface feels sad. I miss this moment. Feel I’m missing something. Verge into FOMO, but my other thought, I couldn’t be prouder, who would have thought that crying four year-old, that shy fifth grader would be out and about the BIG city with broad shoulders thriving. So wow, I’m pleased. I keep lingering here. I need to move on. I need to make that next proud trek into the unknown like she has and therein is the problem. The common advice is: think about who you were before she was born? What did you always want to do? Who are you? To which I think, those old generic labels on food (like those generic replies to problems) sure are boring and indicate not much empathy, or thought. I mean, I get the reality of the world. People are mean, be nice anyway. People make fun of your work, do your work anyway. Time heals. Ad on in infinitum & pah rum pah pum pum ……it’s a Dark Wood we say. My next “thing” will not be as close as I want to what was in the past and which all this missing is kind of stuck on. It’s a game of tenses: past, present, future. I seriously want them to merge and be as one and of course that’s not possible. Things change. Shit happens. And a way we go. There’s no rush but I’m tired of the tugging. I bemoan to no avail, but all is not lost. I’m walking through the Dark Wood, and I see shadows ahead and this must mean there is light above and no wonder it’s called an en-lighten-ment. Anyhow Happy Birthday, the lessons in parenthood continue and I couldn’t be happier. I love you, kid! My wish is a reality.