“Just f’ing love me” Sadness and confusion.

I just read another medium piece that was basically titled and kept saying “just f’ing love! it’s not that complicated” This writer is wonderful, she gets it. Emotional away-ness is my life now. I am married in a nice house and my work is going great, my daughter and i love each other, she’s graduated and has a great job. My wife loves our life as far as I know, she says she does. I know what I like to do, and technically I am able to do anything, except it doesn’t feel that way. Here’s a random, top-o-my head list of things though:

When I go somewhere I hear that I’m “leaving her” even if it’s one night.

When I come back 7 out of /8 times even if it’s for one night my wife has been drinking just enough to sound absurd. she likes to call her “people” folks I suspect see her calling and think Oh this ought to be fun, she’s sipping wine…she believes I don’t like her to have friends, or talk to people, or be happy. I don’t mind that, it’s that when I show up the “fun” part is over and the people she’s talked to don’t have to still be with her when she starts the next phase, the “complain” train ….

9 of /10 nights I do the cooking (and shopping and paying for) and I do get a thank you, but often end up waiting for her to show up and eat. It’s insulting and disrespectful. It’s a fixable problem, sure, but it still feels disrespectful. Then 4/10 maybe 5/10 times I have to clean up the next day. To my bad credit, I keep doing all this.

I do all the cleaning, okay, 98%. Vacuum, mop, recycle, trash, mow, toilets, …if I haven’t done it it never seems to get done.

I now sleep in “our” bed by myself 6/10 nights. I’m used to it now, guess that sums that up. The couch is her spot

We aren’t really intimate in a way that feels intimate or satisfying, There’s this “keep your hands off me” feeling that has begun. A hug is not a hug but more of a reminder that I love you and she puts up with me, I feel like a burden and no doubt seem more desperate than I should but it’s about all there is, and so, whatever. There’s the gamut of excuses “I’m tired” we’re both too busy … I’m not innocent in this, I am not that interested sometimes either. And frequently she can only be in the mood when she’s lightly or more “drunk” and at this point in the marriage I find her unattractive. When she thinks she’s happy (tipsy) and I’m a jerk for not enjoying her when she says she’s “happy.” I think it feels absurd and as 60 year old I am beyond this. I am to be happy on her terms only with wine? Really. Her opinion of her “happy and best” doesn’t match mine.

We don’t talk about real things much anymore, She’s good at it, I’m good at but she uses what I tell her against me when she wants to, when she’s on the “silly drunk thing, and I just wanna enjoy my good day” and so now I’ve learned my lesson, shut the hell up re: anything of importance as it will be used against me in a fit of rage aka drinking mode.

On the outside I know I’ve got obvious problems. I need to get help, I need someone who can just F’ing love me. Weirdly, as I do things around the house I actully think to myself it can’t be that bad married to me, can it? But it’s become a bit embarrassing to feel like I’m doing all the work, or at the very least have become more certain of what I like and don’t like. I am more and more sad that I know this won’t last even before it’s even over. Saying good-bye while we’re still involved……….

As all my pieces go, …………. to be continued.