A Mistake To A Mistake

there’s no end or beginning to a mistake, it’s a blending of this from that, toward that and more of that. I mean, a first marriage that I thought was just right, but that’s looking back, it was how far a first love can go before you admit something’s wrong. The first signs, bad and lame excuses from her about having sex. I want to wait, not now, maybe tomorrow….there was a thing happening but I didn’t know I’d care until it had gone too far. Years of nothing………we’d take trips and the first thing, seemingly instantaneous was the “next” thing, like, really, I wanted to enjoy the moment we’d had. Her birthday became a day, then a week, then a month of “stuff” like, really, adults do this? Push and you shall receive I guess. Finally, 25+ years later it all came apart and I was so sad even in the midst of misery. Then, like the fool that 99% of divorcees are, I wanted to, way too quickly, prove I wasn’t a failure and took up looking around with new women: one was fun and smart but unrelenting; another was pretty and smart and yet claimed to be done with her husband but wouldn’t finish the divorce and did the bohemian life (but with lots of money lurking somewhere amidst the claims of poverty). Another was needy, moved too fast. Another just lived too far away, another was pretty and smart and talkative and I’m still with her, but turns out she was a drinker and OMG, WTH, enter me in to hell and PTSD, seems this has been dealt with but it lingers and I can’t get the disrespect of it all out of me and then work shit, and back to square one, ain’t nothing to the sex game, it’s done. So the issue, I would tend to declare is me, as they say, same result. Love a little less each day, not more each day. I try and I try and try to be the best I can be, but as you read, “pleasing them with perfection” is a trap. I honestly can live with my behavior, I would feel so charmed if another did for me what I do for another, but who knows. And the worst advice of all — easy, but IDK — talk with your partner. Have all of you “really” done this, like, for real, hey honey let’s talk about this MAJOR issue we have, it’ll be fun, in between work and dinner, talk of children and going to bed. Life is a surprise, we all have regrets, mine will be I craved love and somehow could only offer it. enter dramatic music. I do kinda think I’ll work it out, but that I even have to is the problem, my question is where did I learn to think things would be easy? Well, maybe I’ll think that through sometime soon, or not.